10 Worst Films of the First Half of 2015

I am a very open minded person and I am proud of my philosophy that every film deserves a chance. Well, not every. I wouldn't watch a moment of The Human Centipede trilogy if you paid me to do so. I will watch almost everything though and regardless of what others say, I will form my own opinion.

One problem with this philosophy though: I see a lot of bad films.

Here are the ten worst efforts of 2015 thus far:

10. Adult Beginners

A talented comedic cast gave me hope. The painfully unfunny writing killed it. Adult Beginners just didn't elicit any laughs. Well, actually I think I literally did chuckle twice, but that's it, and the dramatic angle wasn't nearly dramatic enough either. Predictable and familiar and a film I certainly will never revisit.

9. The Boy Next Door

Anyone who has seen The Boy Next Door could and probably will make a pretty compelling case that it is the worst film of the year, and I have trouble arguing against such a thought. It's completely terrible. Despite this, the reason I ranked 8 films as being worse is because I found this one to be "fun bad". It's one of those movies in the vein of something produced by the Lifetime Network which are always atrocious yet I can't turn them off because their poor quality is actually what makes them entertaining. I would watch this again tomorrow with someone else who has not seen it and laugh early and often at how ridiculous it is.

8. The Lazarus Effect

I would have loved for The Lazarus Effect to have been "fun bad" like The Boy Next Door. Unfortunately, this was simply bad bad. Horror that wasn't scary. Likable actors doing nothing to exhibit their talent or charms. Just a stupid plot going through the lazy, predictable motions of a forgettable genre film. 

7. Poltergeist

I am typically not an anti-remake guy, but when you approach something like Poltergeist with such lazy intentions, what's the point? This did absolutely nothing to separate itself from the iconic original film. I can't imagine anyone seeing this movie and feeling the desire to buy it and keep it along side the original, something you might do if it were a different, unique vision of the material. This Poltergeist is just uninspired and boring. 

6. Hot Girls Wanted

I love a good documentary. Hot Girls Wanted is not a good documentary. It seemed like it had potential based on the premise, a film about the changing landscape of the porn industry shifting away from highly paid female porn "stars" and instead churning through 18-20 year old girls who are expecting a glamorous lifestyle from entering the industry. 

Unfortunately the end result is essentially a mediocre and forgettable episode of the MTV series "True Life". Such a run of the mill, bland experience.

5. Unfriended

Hey, want to watch teenage girls and boys Skype with each other for 5 minutes? No? Okay, how about for 75 minutes? Does that sound any better?

Just because a concept is original doesn't make it good. "Modern Family" did an episode this past season where the entire thing plays out through Claire's computer screen and it was immensely better in every possible way than this turd of a film. Unfriended is hard to watch almost instantly, and not once did I care about the fate of these characters.

If it were a five minute short about dopey teens sticking their hands in blenders, I'm buying what that is selling. Just thinking about Unfriended gives me a headache. 

4. Chappie

Oh Neill Blomkamp. What happened to you? Was District 9 a fluke?

Elysium was a sub-par sophomore effort. Chappie is so, so much worse. 

Honestly, I have little else to say. This film is an unexciting mess.

3. The Wedding Ringer

Oh boy. This was the first 2015 release I saw back in January, and I knew it was a pretty safe bet it would pop up on any worst of lists I created going forward. The Wedding Ringer is a comedy that isn't funny. It is poorly acted, especially by Kaley "What does that cue card say?" Cuoco. It is dreadfully familiar and predictable and uninspired, all the usual words to describe such a total failure. 

2. The Cobbler

I should just reserve a spot on these lists every 6 months for an Adam Sandler effort. The Cobbler is made by Thomas McCarthy, who actually made really good films prior to this. It's like anything that touches Sandler turns to shit, because this is just awful. It's offensively unfunny, the premise is ridiculous and the ending? Oh my goodness the ending. I laughed when the twist is revealed, but for all the wrong reasons.

1. Mortdecai

Oh....oh no. I have to think about Mortdecai again. That's unfortunate.

Of all the unfunny in the cinema landscape so far this year, nothing is more unfunny than this. I have no idea what the goal was here, but it didn't just fail, it crashed and burned and then somehow crashed and burned again. 

At this point Johnny Depp is nothing more than a cartoon character spoof of himself. Just a dreadfully misguided picture from start to finish.

Jurassic World Review

"That was kinda scary!"

That smile. It lights up the darkest room.

"I know, it was! Did you like it though?"

When I was a kid, cinema lit my imagination on fire. In reality existence can be pretty routine and mundane. On celluloid, anything is possible. When I sat down in front of a screen, big or small, I could travel to distant worlds. I could meet new, fascinating people, and after literally minutes of knowing them I would feel the warmth of their charms. I would be rattled by their misfortunes. I would shed tears because of their pain.

"Yeah, I loved it!"

I see that same kid when I look at her.

It's fucking magical.

Jurassic World isn't a perfect film. Many would argue that it isn't even a good one, and I can completely understand such a claim. The screenplay is lazy, like a copy and paste job from other by-the-numbers generic blockbusters. The concept, while interesting on paper, suffers from being rushed along, like I didn't have a chance to ever bask in the wonder they tried to portray because scenes either felt recycled or simply didn't have a chance to breathe. Some of the characters, Vincent D'Onofrio as "Hoskins" for example, technically played important roles to the progression of the narrative and yet they really added nothing at all to the mix. The product placement in the movie is laughable and tedious because it honestly does take away from the experience. When I am focused on Mercedes logos popping up in every frame or the strange placement of stores that would only be there because the real life entity wrote a fat check to put their name in it rather than get lost in the story, it's kind of a bummer.

Despite these issues, and there are even more I could rattle off if I wanted to I'm sure, I had a whole lot of fun watching Jurassic World. Why? I don't know. Perhaps the kid in me goes into a film like this and craves the possibility of pushing the critical eye to the background for a couple of hours so I can just shut it down and enjoy watching dinosaurs eat people. Perhaps I was aided by the fact that I walked in with lowered expectations because I had already heard all of the complaints and had a gut feeling they would prove to be valid (and they did). Perhaps, and this is a big one...perhaps I just feel good about a trip to the theater with my beautiful seven year old daughter. One where I can look over at her at any point during the picture and see her locked in focus on only the images in front of her when so much of the world is reading tweets. One where I get to see her cower behind her hands in fear as a monster approaches her favorite character, begging the gods of cinema for his safety much the way I did when I saw Aliens or Predator for the first time. 

One where I get to see her smile. I will never complain when I get to see her smile.

"That was kinda scary!"

Those were the first words out of her mouth as the credits began to roll, and while I asked her if she loved it, I really didn't have to. I could see it in her eyes that she had a blast. 

It's hard to give a shit about a bad screenplay or a perfectly placed Coca-Cola bottle when you sit down in the theater with the same mindset as a seven year old. I just wanted to have fun.

I did. Jurassic World is a bunch of fun.

3.5/5

Kung Fury Review

This is the plot synopsis on Letterboxd for the new short film Kung Fury:

"During an unfortunate series of events, a friend of Kung Fury is assassinated by the most dangerous kung fu master criminal of all time, Adolf Hitler, a.k.a. Kung Fuhrer. Kung Fury decides to travel back in time to Nazi Germany in order to kill Hitler and end the Nazi empire once and for all."

Normally I would never copy and paste a plot synopsis, but I couldn't possibly say it better nor could I sell the product that is Kung Fury anymore than the words above will. If you read that and have no interest, you won't enjoy it. If the idea of Adolf Hitler being the greatest kung fu master of all time colors you intrigued like it did me, than hitch a ride to the Kung Fury train. You won't be disappointed.

Before you go and watch it though, and you can on Youtube right now if you are so inclined, let me make one thing clear: you are not allowed to use the words "stupid" or "silly" as a detraction of what the film accomplishes after you are done. You can and should use those words, because it is ridiculously stupid and silly, but Kung Fury is so obviously self aware of its stupidity and silliness that it is actually a compliment to point it out. All it wants to do is be stupid and silly and have fun, and by doing so it actually becomes apparent just how smart the film is. It's mockery of the cheesiness of 80's television and cinema is glaringly obvious but it is done with such a clever grasp of how to do it in an entertaining fashion, it deserves to be applauded. It is a tight 30 minute short film, and thank goodness for that because the joke never has a chance to get old as it certainly would if it were double or triple the length. It's a laugh out loud satire that had me so gleefully enthused when it ended, I would gladly go back and watch it again and again.

In fact, I will. I'm gonna watch Kung Fury again tonight, and it's gonna be friggin' awesome.



4/5

Wild Tales Review

The first of six standalone short films sets the tone for the entire experience. We meet various characters on an airplane as they all meet each other, discovering the strange "coincidence" that they all seem to know the same person, a man they have all wronged in one way or another. One of the passengers refers to this seemingly chance small world encounter as "cosmic" but in reality it is anything but. It's an implausible, absurdly calculated opportunity for revenge and only minutes after we are introduced to these people and their stories their tale ends, the screen goes black and we move on to a new chapter. 

If you watch Wild Tales and hope that the people and their plights will all be tied together eventually with a neat little bow, it isn't going to happen. No, the only dots that can be connected here are stylistically and thematically as each short is it's own animal, although the animal is always violent, angry and looking to quench a thirst for revenge. The most important connection here, however, is a very simple one that is sure to be the reason everyone needs to experience Wild Tales: it's so damn funny.

On paper the premise of this anthology feature sounds quite dramatic but it's actually a comedy of the very dark variety, and I was laughing early and often. It's littered with terrific dialogue and wonderful characters and delicious satire, worthy of the Oscar nomination it received earlier this year for Best Foreign Language Film. Despite this 2014 recognition, unfortunately a theatrical run didn't occur in the U.S. until a couple months into this year so spoiler alert: look for Wild Tales when I count down the best work of 2015 down the road. You will absolutely discover that it made the cut when all is said and done.

If I were to nitpick a flaw here it would be that the six separate short films are not created equal, as some of them excel more than others, but at the same time this fact makes the chance of discussion and debate all the more fun. Everyone is sure to have their favorites, their reasons for connecting to some and not all, and for me the best of the bunch were the third short titled El Mas Fuerte (The Strongest), an absolutely brilliant scathing satire on the absurdity of the concept of machismo masculinity, the fourth installment titled Bombita (Little Bomb) about a man who gets fed up with society and the fact that his voice isn't heard and carries no weight until he does what he does best to make a very loud statement, and the final of the six called Hasta que la muerte nos separe (Until Death Do Us Part) that shows us a wedding that starts off as an expensive, over-the-top celebration until the bride discovers a scandalous secret about the man she just married earlier that very day. 

Overall, Wild Tales is a hilarious success, a very clever and unique experience that never truly missed but rather hits with a little less force in some spots but bowls us over in others.

4.5/5

Animals Review

Here we go again. Yet another film about drug addiction and the devastation it leaves in its wake. We have been here before, we have seen that before and when we can revisit pieces of cinema like Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream or Joachim Trier's Oslo, August 31st you tend to wonder if it's even necessary to dip your toes into a new body of water that has not only been charted but done so with excellence. 

Despite this, there is a place for the new film Animals by Collin Schiffli. It's narrative isn't inventive nor does it really carry any memorable heft with it, but its performances are worth the price of admission alone. David Dastmalchian (who also wrote the very good screenplay for the film) plays Jude and Kim Shaw plays Bobbie, and they are a young couple madly in love but hiding behind their smiles and warm embraces are the demons that come with the necessity of their next narcotic fix. While we may not literally see them, it's clear that the track marks on their arms are not fresh because this is a game the two of them have obviously played before. Their life is made up of moving from con to con and hit to hit, finding clever but dangerous ways to score some extra cash to support their ugly habit. 

Schiffli and Dastmalchian demonstrate a lot of talent despite the minimalist canvas they paint on here because while the tone of this picture is obviously grim given the subject matter, they still find a way to break up some of the sadness early on with some gentle warmth and laughs shared between these characters that feels honest and comforting. The brief running time of only around 80 minutes combined with the fact that the sense of dread surrounding their fates is never overbearing makes the film flow nicely, but I did feel a disconnect at times with some of the cons they run. The authenticity that was built up by the chemistry between Jude and Bobbie is washed away in a hurry when some of the scams they pull on unsuspecting people feel a little too convenient, like one involving a lost laptop and a security guard seeking a reward.

Initially I felt the symbolism intended by cutting away from our two lovers to various wild animals in captivity was too on the nose, like we were being beat over the head with a flashing sign that read, these people are trapped by their addiction like a tiger in a zoo, but by the end of the film I felt like the significance of the title Animals had more to offer than that. The picture is not tied up with a pretty little bow and no promises are made for the future, and you may still see these addicts as animals as the credits roll, but perhaps when shown some compassion and offered care they can be quite beautiful.

3.5/5

Maggie Review

I have noticed that when the word zombie appears in the plot synopsis of a movie or television series, it can elicit very different expectations from those intrigued. Some immediately are looking for the horror and the gore, excited for the carnage and the more flesh that is ripped apart the better the experience. Some may prefer their Zack Snyder directed version of the wandering deceased, the sprinting dead, the blood thirsty track stars of tomorrow. Me, well I am one of those Romero enthusiasts, a traditionalist I guess you could say. A body count is less important to me than the thematic depth of the film, and a more methodical pace can work wonders rather than an onslaught of action. 

With this in mind, enter the brand new film from director Henry Hobson Maggie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Abigail Breslin, a very different take on the zombie sub-genre that is sure to disappoint those looking for Arnold to turn into the series 800 Terminator we all know and love, piling up corpses with his shotgun. No, this is a quiet and extremely morose film, one that suffers a bit because of its inability to escape a very one note tone throughout but it still works a lot more than it doesn't. 

On a performance level Maggie shines as both Schwarzenegger and Breslin bring truly touching, tender work to the table as a father and daughter. Their bond is strong but is being tested by the heartbreaking turmoil caused by Maggie (Breslin) contracting the new virus that slowly but surely turns those afflicted into a zombie. As I said in the beginning, the word zombie brings with it expectations but in reality this story is essentially illustrating the pain a parent goes through when losing their child to a terminal illness. If you come to Maggie looking for a horror film, you are certain to be disappointed and I actually really admired the concept of a zombie transition that takes such a long time because I found it fascinating, that rather than watching it occur within minutes we witness it unfold slowly. Those bitten can live seemingly normal lives, eat meals with their family, hang out with their friends, but the dread of what is inevitable hangs over them during every encounter. The ability to say goodbye and shed tears with someone who is destined to become the walking dead is a haunting idea that is executed well here.

The real, major flaw I find in Maggie is that while it does a whole lot really well, it doesn't really do enough to stand out and be memorable beyond performances. I will admit to initially laughing when I thought about taking Arnold seriously in an emotional role as a father going through such a struggle, but it didn't take long for me to believe in his pain. His turn here is shockingly nuanced and believable. Otherwise though, it's a well crafted and interesting film that lacks a real punch to make it stand out among a crowd.

3.5/5

Mad Max: Fury Road Review

"If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die historic on a fury road!"

That quote covers so much about this film in such a small amount of words. The death toll elevates, the action is furious and my goodness the movie feels historic. Now hold on, don't roll your eyes at me. Yes you did, I could see you. I know what you are thinking, here he comes with some of that instant reaction hyperbole bullshit, using a word like historic, so let me be clear: no, Mad Max: Fury Road is not one of the greatest films of all time. 

One of the greatest action films of all time though? Yep, I can and will say that without even a fraction of doubt in my body. This is easily one of my favorite genre films ever made. I was battered, bruised and pummeled into submission by the relentless lunacy on display, all while sitting in a leather recliner and sipping a giant soda. I felt physically exhausted by the end of a two hour cinematic experience, and yet that only represents a fraction of why I loved the picture so much. 

George Miller has created an post apocalyptic punk rock masterpiece that left me in awe on numerous occasions. It isn't merely the general concept of the action being cool or non-stop, it's the way the material was handled. The frenzy is directed with such silky smooth confidence that even when the chaos seems completely out of hand, we are able to follow exactly what is happening as clear as day. The set pieces are extraordinary and as imaginative as I have ever seen. I literally said the single word "Wow" aloud to myself on multiple occasions, all while flashing a giant, shit eatin' grin on my face throughout every damn minute. Seriously, when I buy this on Blu-ray, and that's a when, not an if, I may break the player with how many times I am going to give it a spin. Just the thought of being able to dig into some special features regarding how the hell Miller filmed some of these sequences makes me excited for future me.

Despite the praise I laid out above, had it merely been just an action extravaganza I wouldn't be busting out a word like masterpiece. While the intensity of Mad Max: Fury Road is what people will show up for (and I don't blame them one bit), where this films truly excels are those quiet sequences that give us a breather, showcasing some of the finest character development I have seen based on the very small amount of words actually used to achieve it. Charlize Theron deserves an honorary Oscar for her eyes alone, the type of award that would have been handed out long ago during the silent era of cinema, which is rather ironic considering just how modern and loud this puppy is. Her character is named Furiosa and she is a bad ass force to be reckoned with, but in her eyes we get to know her pain. We get to witness her passion. We get to see her soul.

Actually, I can't write this review without addressing another pile of praise that deserves to be heaped towards Mr. Miller and his expert craft of this film. Bless him for truly making a picture that shows how much ass women can kick. She may be too young now, but someday I would be proud to sit my daughter down and allow her to soak in the carnage on display as females are depicted as not just strong, but capable of killing every last mother fucker that gets in their way. Far too often the action genre depicts a woman as a damsel in distress, needing a man to swoop in and save her as she appears weak and fragile rather than courageous and tough. Mad Max: Fury Road gives us women who make us believe they can drop our asses if we try to stop them, and I applaud the hell out of George Miller, Brendan McCarthy and Nick Lathouris for penning a screenplay that subverts the traditional misguided tropes. 

If you are like me, you saw the overwhelmingly positive critical response to this film and couldn't believe your eyes. I wondered how an action film could be so universally praised, as usually the genre is deemed derivative. I no longer wonder. It is worthy of the accolades. With a musical score that blasts through your body, a brilliantly subtle screenplay that achieves so much by doing so little and quite possibly the greatest action ever put to celluloid, Mad Max: Fury Road is a roaring, thunderous achievement. 

5/5 

Slow West Review

It's a funny thing, how tastes change over time. When I was younger, I would dismiss much of the western genre because I deemed them "boring" before I even laid my eyes on a single frame. Now I lay those very same eyes on just one frame, a wide open landscape so seemingly vast, so barren and yet I find it impossibly beautiful. The me of the past would have viewed this type of setting as lifeless and meaningless. The me of the present sees something haunting yet appealing, like I wish I could get in my car right now and drive there and just breathe in the fresh air, bask in the freedom of silence. 

The brand new film Slow West isn't going to be a hot cinematic topic around the water cooler, released during a time when the massive summer blockbusters begin to dominate not only the box office but the minds of those looking to be entertained as well, but it is certainly worthy of your attention. It doesn't reinvent the wheel when it comes to the western genre, but rather it thrives when it embraces its influences. Sure, much of what takes place feels familiar, but when it is crafted well I really don't care. I am more than willing to step onto grounds already walked as long as they remain this aesthetically pleasing and brilliantly performed. 

The debut film from writer/director John Maclean has a first act that sets the table gorgeously, and I really thought I was in for something profoundly special early on. We meet Jay Cavendish (Kodi Smit-McPhee) and his trusty horse and immediately he finds himself in danger, but there to help him out of a jam is a mysterious desperado named Silas (Michael Fassbender) whom we quickly discover is more than willing to kill any man that gets in his way. Turns out Jay is on a quest to be reunited with the love of his life Rose (Caren Pistorius) and he agrees to pay Silas to guide him and protect him during his journey. 

What is clear early and often is that Maclean may be new to this game, but the man can certainly write and direct. Slow West isn't a perfect film as it is actually too short and still manages to have a second act that feels like it drags a bit, but the way it starts and the incredible finale make me very excited to see what kind of work he can do in the future. If he would have just let the great moments breathe a bit more rather than rush through them and found a way to trim and enhance the less compelling middle, I would be promoting Slow West as a truly remarkable piece of cinema from 2015. 

What it is though is really, really darn good with moments that are beyond great. If you are a fan of westerns, or hell even if you are not, give Slow West a look.

4/5

Ex Machina Review

"The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race." 

That quote is not from the brand new science fiction masterwork by Alex Garland Ex Machina but rather the honest and haunting words of Stephen Hawking. Consider that even if the movement towards such an era seems glacial, with each passing day the world is getting closer and closer to a time when machine is the equivalent of and eventually superior to man. Perhaps humanity and A.I. can coexist, even form strong personal and emotional bonds with one another. Perhaps the advancements we make will lead to a safer world. A healthier world. A world in which we live not only longer, but better as well. Hawking makes no guarantees with his ominous thoughts on what could happen. He only warns of the possibility that moving forward does not guarantee ideal results.

Still though...what if he's right?

I pondered this as I witnessed the deliciousness of Ex Machina unfold, with every word of the screenplay sublime, full of thematic richness and content so layered it clearly demands repeat viewings. In the back of my mind I wondered if I would be here to see the day when we will be able to look at our own technological creations and feel inferior. The brilliance of this film is that it may now be science fiction but throughout every single moment I could practically see it becoming science fact. In what is amazingly his directorial debut, Alex Garland creates a world that is both bright and dim, a world so crisp and futuristic and alive and yet it somehow also feels soulless and claustrophobic due to a lack of natural light. A world muted in tones of grey that is transformed into a piercing sea of red within seconds, as if we are being reminded that things may seem calm now but be alarmed: it won't stay this way.

Oscar Isaac, whom I continue to not only harbor a man crush for but it intensifies with each passing film, plays a vastly wealthy man named Nathan who runs the world's largest internet company, and one day he chooses a young employee, a coder named Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson) to be flown out to his home to participate in a top secret experiment. Caleb is welcome to just hang out and drink some beer and shoot the shit with Nathan, but in order to gain full access to what lies beneath he must sign a confidentiality agreement that what he sees, what he experiences must stay between them. It is here that we discover that Nathan isn't just working on developing the first ever true artificially intelligent being, it already exists. Her name is Ava.

I make no secret of my passionate admiration for real good science fiction and Ex Machina is even more than that. It is truly great cinema, featuring top notch performances, chilling cinematography and an eerie, perfect score. The dialogue is intelligent and thought provoking, the pacing is a perfect slow burn without ever feeling languid. God, with every word I write I want to watch it again more and more. Seriously, it's that great.

The plan is to perform an experiment to see if the artificial intelligence has reached the point of the technological singularity, the moment when we are no longer in control of robotics but rather they are capable of taking control of us. The chilling thought is, how will we know we have reached this moment until it is already too late? What if when we think we are testing out the A.I., it is actually capable of manipulating us?

5/5

Welcome to Me Review

It's mildly amusing. It's mildly meaningful. It's mildly heartfelt. It's mildly interesting.

It's mostly bullshit.

Welcome to Me is the brand new film from director Shira Piven, wife of hit comedic filmmaker Adam McKay and sister of Jeremy Piven, and it stars former Saturday Night Live star and current pretty darn good actress Kristen Wiig. Wiig showcased her range in last years solid The Skeleton Twins, and she shows a bit of it here too, but not enough. For the most part, her performance here feels like an unsuccessful skit from SNL rather than any actual, real portrayal of mental illness.

She plays Alice Krieg, a woman who does not believe in luck because she has learned from Oprah Winfrey that success is a mindset. If you believe in success, you will find it, plain and simple, and one day her usual lottery ticket matches up number for number. With millions in her account, she quits taking her psychiatric meds and starts living her life the way she wants to, which includes paying for her own two hour television talk show.

Some of the comedic bits do enough to invoke a smile and maybe a slight chuckle, but nothing more. The dramatic sequences try so hard to hit hard but they rarely do. The attempts to have the story resonate emotionally miss the mark because frankly, I never once bought into the entire experience. When a film really works, my brain forgets that I am watching a film at all. I will connect with the characters, I will feel uneasy because of their struggles, I will root for their success and I will shed tears because of their pain. Absolutely none of that happened here. Welcome to Me does just enough to avoid being a total train wreck, because Wiig is pretty decent in parts and as I stated at the start, it does a some things mildly well, but for the most part it feels so damn phony. 

It's a shame because the general concept could have worked if handled better. There is a story here about the misconception that money heals all wounds when in reality there are far more important things than the amount of zeros at the end of your bank balance. Money can't buy real relationships, it can't build self esteem and it can't cure a mental illness. Winning the jackpot doesn't bring Alice the happiness most assume it would and that is an important message to tell, but Welcome to Me isn't a good enough film to take seriously. 

2/5

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Official Teaser #2

I have a seven year old daughter and she is excited to see a brand new Star Wars film with me. I can't express how happy this makes me.

The brand new trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Enjoy.

The Lazarus Effect Review

I'm sure there are a lot of dudes out there in the world who would be pretty psyched if Olivia Wilde were to wink at them. Unless of course it happens after she has been injected with the Lazarus serum, because zombie Wilde means business. Not fun, sexy business either, no sir. If the undead Olivia even so much as looks in your general direction, you gonna die baby!

The Lazarus Effect is a film that was on life support long before they ever shot a single scene. When a screenplay is this lazy and predictable, a director can pull every trick they can think of out of their bag and you can lavish as much dazzling cinematography on the audience as you want and it is still going to be a long shot to earn my recommendation. So imagine how far I am from a thumbs up here when I point out that director David Gelb had essentially no tricks in his bag and the photography was about as run of the mill as you can find. This is a movie that was about as lifeless as the dog they bring back from puppy heaven.

It wasn't a train wreck at any colossal level, early on I actually felt like something mildly cool could come from this one. You can tell that somewhere bubbling behind the lazy writing were some genuinely intriguing ideas regarding the advancements being made in medicine and the concept of why it may not be so ideal to play god, but at only 77 minutes long The Lazarus Effect quickly rushed through any potential moment to bring any substance to the narrative. Even the way the characters are "developed" is completely mishandled because at no point do we even have a chance to breathe and learn to understand and care for these people. If you want to make the death of a main character carry some emotional weight for your audience, you need to give them a reason to give a shit beyond turning a pretty face into a corpse on camera.

I can't find much negative to say about the performances across the board, including the supporting cast of Donald Glover, Evan Peters and Sarah Bolger, but I also can't find much positive to say about their characters or what they brought to the table. If you have seen this film perhaps you can explain to me, what was the point of having Niko (Glover) be in love with Zoe (Olivia Wilde)? Honestly, please help me out, because I can't find any single reason to include that side plot except perhaps the writers had a misguided notion that it would make us care about them more as people? I would love to be proven wrong, for someone to tell me why those longing looks Niko gave her from a distance had any relevance whatsoever to the big picture, but I doubt it.

Essentially this was a rushed "horror" film in which every scare is of the jump variety and none of them were particularly effective due to being so damn predictable. Oh, you are going to look under the table to see what is down there? I bet when you come back up it will be waiting for you!!! BOO!

I wanted to at least have a little bit of a fun with The Lazarus Effect, but this one never had much of a pulse.

1.5/5

It Follows Review

It follows.

No, seriously, it follows.

As soon as the credits hit the screen, I knew I had loved what I had seen. Actually I knew it the entire time I watched it. Horror is a genre that I don't easily warm up to and the trailers before the film were a perfect representation of why. So predictable, so obvious, all the expected tropes of generic cheap cinema scares that have no trouble selling tickets at the box office and yet they do so little to truly inspire. It Follows is different though. It Follows is special, a film released in 2015 and yet it invoked a feeling of nostalgia in me, as if it were released 30 years earlier, the type of movie I would have watched late at night with friends as a teen.

Was I scared though?

I drive home from the theater feeling buzzed, replaying my favorite scenes in my head over and over, pondering some of the subtle nuances of the movie that made It Follows a far richer cinematic experience than what was merely presented on the surface. My car comes to a stop along the way and I glance over at a man on the sidewalk, walking slowly, shrouded in darkness. The chill of the nighttime air flows through the windows and I recognize the goosebumps that covered my arms. In that moment everything was normal, yet it felt anything but.

Was I scared though?

I make the same turn into my driveway that I make every single day and my headlights make shadows dance across the neighboring homes. My heart literally skips a beat and I momentarily am engulfed with a feeling of dread as I see a man standing just off to the side. A closer look reveals there is no man there at all, but what did I see? Were my eyes merely playing a trick on me? Yeah, that's probably it. I remind myself that there is nothing to worry about, yet I have an extra bounce in my step as I head up the stairs and through my front door.

Was I scared though?

I sit here now, writing these words and I can't get the score by Disasterpeace out of my mind. So damn perfect for the material, at times it felt as if it was already iconic, like it was destined to send chills down the spines of viewers for many years to come. I can't stop thinking about the confident, stylish direction by David Robert Mitchell, especially a few specific sequences in which his camera turns slowly and with ease, at a perfect pace and rhythm to make your heart race just a few beats faster, make you wonder what will be waiting for you when it comes full circle. I can't stop thinking about the look of sheer terror in the eyes of star Maika Monroe as she saw something others could not, the way she trembled at the sight of something as seemingly innocent as an open door.

Am I scared though?

Yeah, I kinda am. 

It feels fucking great.

4.5/5

Home Review

I have always paid close attention to the box office results of films whether I enjoyed the movie or not, and honestly I never really put a lot of thought into why until now. In some cases it's obvious, when a film I love is ripe material for a sequel but the only way that will happen is thanks to some extra green in the pockets of studio execs, but even when that isn't possible I have always cared.

After watching the new film from Dreamworks Animation Home, and then learning of its thus far successful financial run, I realized that it isn't that I care for that singular films performance, it's that I care about the big picture of the future of cinema. I see articles discussing the fact that the masterful film How To Train Your Dragon 2 disappointed on the business side of things and yet here is Home, a film mired in mediocrity yet it makes the suits in charge smile with glee when the numbers roll in.

So you might be thinking, Scott, why do you care? I care because when a move that reeks of such desperation like making Rihanna the voice of a main character is rewarded, it could change the business model of the studio going forward. She simply was not the right choice if the goal was to make the best possible picture, as her singing ability didn't translate to a talent of giving an animated character any heart or depth. Oh, and there is a scene in which the little girl she voices turns on the car radio, and a Rihanna song is playing. You could practically hear my eyes roll in the theater.

Meanwhile, you have the underutilized natural and often times actually funny performance from Steve Martin, one of the major reasons why I came very close to giving Home a passing grade and a recommendation. When his character Captain Smek was on screen, the film was better for it, and that is unfortunate because he is relegated to being merely a supporting bit outside of the core of the film, which didn't work nearly as well. 

I can't solely pile on to Rihanna as the problem with Home, that would be unfair because in some respects the team of writers and director Tim Johnson did the actors no favors themselves with a rushed, frenetic film that finally decided to take a moment to breathe when it was already too late. The first half or so of Home is just chaos with absolutely no attempts to develop any characters or allow the plot to soak in, and by the time it takes its foot off the gas and strives towards emotional resonance we are still trying to find our footing from everything before it. 

Home isn't a terrible movie by any means, I did honestly have some fun with it. Go ahead and take your kids because I am sure they will enjoy it, lord knows mine did. Hell, you may have a blast as well, but down the road this won't be on the map the way other, far richer experiences from the same or other animation studios have been over recent years. 

How To Train Your Dragon 2 added the incredible vocal talents of Cate Blanchett to the mix and it was a sublime choice, yet the ticket sales of that franchise made the Dreamworks stock price tick down a bit and is thus regarded as a disappointment. Home miscasts Rihanna and it dominates financially, and I literally saw this headline on CNN this morning: 

"Did Rihanna save Dreamworks Animation?"

This is not good news going forward.

2.5/5