10 Worst Films of the First Half of 2015

I am a very open minded person and I am proud of my philosophy that every film deserves a chance. Well, not every. I wouldn't watch a moment of The Human Centipede trilogy if you paid me to do so. I will watch almost everything though and regardless of what others say, I will form my own opinion.

One problem with this philosophy though: I see a lot of bad films.

Here are the ten worst efforts of 2015 thus far:

10. Adult Beginners

A talented comedic cast gave me hope. The painfully unfunny writing killed it. Adult Beginners just didn't elicit any laughs. Well, actually I think I literally did chuckle twice, but that's it, and the dramatic angle wasn't nearly dramatic enough either. Predictable and familiar and a film I certainly will never revisit.

9. The Boy Next Door

Anyone who has seen The Boy Next Door could and probably will make a pretty compelling case that it is the worst film of the year, and I have trouble arguing against such a thought. It's completely terrible. Despite this, the reason I ranked 8 films as being worse is because I found this one to be "fun bad". It's one of those movies in the vein of something produced by the Lifetime Network which are always atrocious yet I can't turn them off because their poor quality is actually what makes them entertaining. I would watch this again tomorrow with someone else who has not seen it and laugh early and often at how ridiculous it is.

8. The Lazarus Effect

I would have loved for The Lazarus Effect to have been "fun bad" like The Boy Next Door. Unfortunately, this was simply bad bad. Horror that wasn't scary. Likable actors doing nothing to exhibit their talent or charms. Just a stupid plot going through the lazy, predictable motions of a forgettable genre film. 

7. Poltergeist

I am typically not an anti-remake guy, but when you approach something like Poltergeist with such lazy intentions, what's the point? This did absolutely nothing to separate itself from the iconic original film. I can't imagine anyone seeing this movie and feeling the desire to buy it and keep it along side the original, something you might do if it were a different, unique vision of the material. This Poltergeist is just uninspired and boring. 

6. Hot Girls Wanted

I love a good documentary. Hot Girls Wanted is not a good documentary. It seemed like it had potential based on the premise, a film about the changing landscape of the porn industry shifting away from highly paid female porn "stars" and instead churning through 18-20 year old girls who are expecting a glamorous lifestyle from entering the industry. 

Unfortunately the end result is essentially a mediocre and forgettable episode of the MTV series "True Life". Such a run of the mill, bland experience.

5. Unfriended

Hey, want to watch teenage girls and boys Skype with each other for 5 minutes? No? Okay, how about for 75 minutes? Does that sound any better?

Just because a concept is original doesn't make it good. "Modern Family" did an episode this past season where the entire thing plays out through Claire's computer screen and it was immensely better in every possible way than this turd of a film. Unfriended is hard to watch almost instantly, and not once did I care about the fate of these characters.

If it were a five minute short about dopey teens sticking their hands in blenders, I'm buying what that is selling. Just thinking about Unfriended gives me a headache. 

4. Chappie

Oh Neill Blomkamp. What happened to you? Was District 9 a fluke?

Elysium was a sub-par sophomore effort. Chappie is so, so much worse. 

Honestly, I have little else to say. This film is an unexciting mess.

3. The Wedding Ringer

Oh boy. This was the first 2015 release I saw back in January, and I knew it was a pretty safe bet it would pop up on any worst of lists I created going forward. The Wedding Ringer is a comedy that isn't funny. It is poorly acted, especially by Kaley "What does that cue card say?" Cuoco. It is dreadfully familiar and predictable and uninspired, all the usual words to describe such a total failure. 

2. The Cobbler

I should just reserve a spot on these lists every 6 months for an Adam Sandler effort. The Cobbler is made by Thomas McCarthy, who actually made really good films prior to this. It's like anything that touches Sandler turns to shit, because this is just awful. It's offensively unfunny, the premise is ridiculous and the ending? Oh my goodness the ending. I laughed when the twist is revealed, but for all the wrong reasons.

1. Mortdecai

Oh....oh no. I have to think about Mortdecai again. That's unfortunate.

Of all the unfunny in the cinema landscape so far this year, nothing is more unfunny than this. I have no idea what the goal was here, but it didn't just fail, it crashed and burned and then somehow crashed and burned again. 

At this point Johnny Depp is nothing more than a cartoon character spoof of himself. Just a dreadfully misguided picture from start to finish.

Home Review

I have always paid close attention to the box office results of films whether I enjoyed the movie or not, and honestly I never really put a lot of thought into why until now. In some cases it's obvious, when a film I love is ripe material for a sequel but the only way that will happen is thanks to some extra green in the pockets of studio execs, but even when that isn't possible I have always cared.

After watching the new film from Dreamworks Animation Home, and then learning of its thus far successful financial run, I realized that it isn't that I care for that singular films performance, it's that I care about the big picture of the future of cinema. I see articles discussing the fact that the masterful film How To Train Your Dragon 2 disappointed on the business side of things and yet here is Home, a film mired in mediocrity yet it makes the suits in charge smile with glee when the numbers roll in.

So you might be thinking, Scott, why do you care? I care because when a move that reeks of such desperation like making Rihanna the voice of a main character is rewarded, it could change the business model of the studio going forward. She simply was not the right choice if the goal was to make the best possible picture, as her singing ability didn't translate to a talent of giving an animated character any heart or depth. Oh, and there is a scene in which the little girl she voices turns on the car radio, and a Rihanna song is playing. You could practically hear my eyes roll in the theater.

Meanwhile, you have the underutilized natural and often times actually funny performance from Steve Martin, one of the major reasons why I came very close to giving Home a passing grade and a recommendation. When his character Captain Smek was on screen, the film was better for it, and that is unfortunate because he is relegated to being merely a supporting bit outside of the core of the film, which didn't work nearly as well. 

I can't solely pile on to Rihanna as the problem with Home, that would be unfair because in some respects the team of writers and director Tim Johnson did the actors no favors themselves with a rushed, frenetic film that finally decided to take a moment to breathe when it was already too late. The first half or so of Home is just chaos with absolutely no attempts to develop any characters or allow the plot to soak in, and by the time it takes its foot off the gas and strives towards emotional resonance we are still trying to find our footing from everything before it. 

Home isn't a terrible movie by any means, I did honestly have some fun with it. Go ahead and take your kids because I am sure they will enjoy it, lord knows mine did. Hell, you may have a blast as well, but down the road this won't be on the map the way other, far richer experiences from the same or other animation studios have been over recent years. 

How To Train Your Dragon 2 added the incredible vocal talents of Cate Blanchett to the mix and it was a sublime choice, yet the ticket sales of that franchise made the Dreamworks stock price tick down a bit and is thus regarded as a disappointment. Home miscasts Rihanna and it dominates financially, and I literally saw this headline on CNN this morning: 

"Did Rihanna save Dreamworks Animation?"

This is not good news going forward.

2.5/5

The Boy Next Door Review

If you're reading this review, you already know what I am going to say, right? While I keep an open mind when watching a film, choosing to judge it for myself rather than let the consensus come to a conclusion for me, I can't lie and say I sat down to watch the new movie The Boy Next Door starring Jennifer Lopez expecting it to be good. I wasn't even expecting it to be mediocre. I anticipated nothing more than awful.

Guess what?

It delivered!

This is a truly terrible film, but I must be completely fair and also give it the recognition it deserves: it's all sorts of fun bad. When I watched the recently released Mortdecai, there was no fun to be had. I felt like my soul had been removed from my body and stomped on throughout it's duration, despite it being labeled a "comedy", where as here The Boy Next Door is considered a thriller and yet I laughed out loud a few times during it. It isn't trying for these laughs, or at least I don't think so. They are achieved because the movie is just so atrocious that it's impossible not to crack a smile now and then.

I enjoy television movies released by the Lifetime network, and I'm not afraid to admit it. There's something about kicking your feet up for some relaxation time and witnessing a predictable train wreck of a film about a girl in high school whose friends play a prank on her, a cautionary tale about teenage pregnancy, or the typical abusive husband story that has been done so many times it has managed to make a serious, important topic unfortunately comical. 

Possible titles for these three Lifetime movies:

Betrayal at 16

Far Too Young

No One Said a Word

Therefore, it was impossible for me not to have some fun with The Boy Next Door. I mean, look at the title alone. The Boy Next Door. If that wasn't already used by the people in charge of the production of original films at the Lifetime network, it certainly is crossed off on a list somewhere of potential new ideas, the notebook of some annoyed executive who didn't anticipate an actual theatrical release using it first.

If The Boy Next Door was an attempt at being a serious, thrilling drama, then part of me is baffled about the minds behind it, writer Barbara Curry and director Rob Cohen. I can't imagine anyone watching the finished product and being truly proud of it.

The other part of me, however, is thankful they went ahead with it despite it's awfulness. With all the terrible movies released early in the year, at least I had some fun here.

1/5