On Our Anniversary - Miracles, My Wife, and The Tree of Life

"The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you love, your life will flash by."

It's really hard to determine the moment you actually fall in love. On February 14th, 2005, I was sitting at a friend's house when she walked in, and there was something about her that immediately grabbed my attention. That she was stunningly gorgeous, sure, but it was more than that. This was the first time I had ever been to that house and nothing else about those few hours proved to be all that memorable or interesting, but I couldn't wait to go back the next day. We barely even said a word to each other that first night and I carried zero assurances with me that I would ever see her again, but it's the only reason I went back. I had to go back.

Whenever I ponder when I first knew I was in love, I always come back to one specific night. It was way too early to actually say those three words. We weren't even a couple yet, so it's safe to say I kept my mouth shut regarding my feelings, but it was a night where her and I just drove around and talked. She shared so much of herself with me and one thing that was made abundantly clear was that when it came to her previous relationships, no one had treated her the way she deserved to be treated. I felt the weight of sadness crashing down on my shoulders and a thought kept running through my mind, not one that merely belonged to that singular moment but one that felt like more of a long term goal.

I need to make her smile.

"I will be true to you. Whatever comes."

It's sort of ironic that I'm using a film right now as the template to express the love I have for my wife on our 12 year wedding anniversary because the medium played a role in a period of time where I lost sight of my goal. My focus was on other, far less important things when it should have always been on her and our incredible daughter. At the start of this year, I woke up from the time I spent sleepwalking through life and love, recognizing that everything that made me feel whole was right in front of me in the form of two people whom I am blessed enough to share my name with. These few months since have been the best of my 34 years of existence because I have never felt more loved. I can only hope they feel the same.

So you might be wondering, what the hell does this have to do with Terrence Malick's The Tree of Life? It's simple, really. I chose the most beautiful piece of art that I have ever witnessed because my wife is the most beautiful human being I have ever and will ever know. For 12 years of marriage and over 13 years overall now, Megan has always been there for me. She brings just the right amount of energy and fun when things are too mundane but also is the perfect calming presence for when my mind tries to steer me the wrong way. She makes me laugh every day, and every night I look at her and think about how lucky I am that she is the first thing I will see when I wake up. I will never be able to thank her enough for her kindness, not only towards me but more importantly towards our daughter. Taking a step back and actually recognizing her grace and compassion as a mother is a gift that I constantly treasure. She is my best friend, the love of my life, and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

"Love is smiling through all things."

I have previously wrote about The Tree of Life and my main focus was centered on the idea that what Terrence Malick had created was proof that miracles exist. The film sets out to prove that existence itself is a miracle. The amount of moments throughout history that had to happen exactly as they did in order for you or I or anyone else to have even been born is astounding and something no one should take for granted. Deciding to go over to that house for the first time on February 14th, 2005 was a miracle because she walked in and gave me the life I have now and a love that I didn't think was possible. She walked in and because of that our daughter now has the chance to exist, and I hope someday she gets to experience the kind of love I feel for her mother. I will tell her to stay focused on what matters most and never take it for granted, not even for a single day. 

For years now I thought The Tree of Life was proof that miracles exist. What I didn't understand was that the proof was right in front of me all along. My wife is a miracle. My daughter is a miracle. The love I feel now is a miracle. 

For the rest of my life, until I take my final breath, I will do everything I can to make her smile. She's so beautiful when she smiles.