Hellion Review

Well shit, Hellion. You had me for a while there. I was buying into the vision of unknown to me writer/director Kat Candler, even if that coming of age troubled family dynamic in a rural southern setting vision isn't exactly screaming of originality. While the entire picture had a sort of redundant feeling to it, at the very least it was executed very well and featured some really solid performances, and even now I did like the film and would recommend it to others. Unfortunately, that recommendation comes with a feeling of frustrating disappointment weighing it down. 

Hellion tells the story of a father named Hollis (Aaron Paul) struggling to keep his two sons in line, 13 year old Jacob (Josh Wiggins) and 10 year old Wes (Deke Garner). Young Wes isn't so much the problem, but the progression of wanting to follow in his older brothers footsteps is concerning as Jacob is the definition of a problem child, constantly getting caught up on the wrong side of the law. After one particular night of mischief leads to the removal of Wes from their home, Hollis and Jacob must balance their deep emotional scars and explosively poor relationship to find a way to bring him back home.

I had no issues with anything on a performance level, with Aaron Paul restoring my faith that his brilliant turn as Jesse Pinkman on Breaking Bad was not a fluke. It may seem quick of me to already be thinking negative thoughts of a multiple award winner only one year removed from the end of his career-making series, but to be fair, I sat through Need for Speed. The fact that his talents were so poorly utilized in such a limited, one note role is a shame, as I believe I could have stepped in during his many sequences of driving cars and trying to look cool and the film would have been just as effective, and lord knows I probably can't act and I certainly am not cool.

I noticed one of the "people who enjoyed Hellion also enjoyed..." films listed on IMDB was Jeff Nichol's Mud from last year, and I couldn't help but think of that film often while screening Hellion. They are very similar with setting and unstable family settings and the fact that adolescent actors were the focal point of the works despite a familar face excelling in a supporting role (McConaughey, Paul). The main difference is a major one, and that is the fact that Mud is a masterful example of storytelling and a dramatic film filled with warmth while Hellion feels limited in its exploration of deep rooted emotions and is essentially 93 minutes of cold, dire circumstances with very little to root for.

Despite any of these negative criticisms, the film still had me because it had a very real and raw quality to it thanks to the actors and a majority of the material written for them. The behavioral issues of the kids as a result of their situations at home are handled very maturely and believably, as I am well aware of the commonality of teenagers acting out when faced with such adversity. Where it lost me was in the third act when an amateurish storytelling device was utilized, a moment I didn't see coming despite being introduced to a gun in the hands of a minor earlier in the picture. Despite this being a debut work by Candler, I had hoped the maturity demonstrated throughout much of the film meant that she would avoid the totally predictable climactic scene in which a gun would come into play again. In the end, eye rolling predictability reared its ugly head and diminished the overall achievement for me.

In the end, Candler absolutely shows promise as a filmmaker and I will gladly look forward to future works that could be tightened up, because the skill on display here is impressive. A pretty good film that could have been great. 

3/5

Aliens Review

When I was a kid and I saw Aliens for the first time, during roughly the first half hour of the film I wanted to be a marine so badly. It just seemed so cool to be such a bad ass, and boy did it look like they were having fun. Of course I had no concept of what it truly meant to be a marine or in the military in general, I was seven years old and thought perhaps killing xenomorphs with giant guns was a solid career path to take. Other kids aspired to be police officers or fire fighters or astronauts, and when they expressed these dream futures I smirked in the back of class and shook my head at their simplistic goals. Way to be cowards with your run of the mill jobs, classmates. Not everyone can be destined for LV-426.

You know what I love most about this James Cameron helmed sequel? The fact that it didn't take bloodshed and chaos for me to change my mind and start my realistic journey towards the middling accounting position I hold today. The moment the team lands on the ominous landscapes of the planet to begin their rescue operation I knew something real bad was going to happen, and the patience of building up the tension before any actual threat even presents itself is a wise storytelling choice. Aliens is an action film, for sure, but I look at it more as an action/horror, and its during this period of time that it is clear something awful occurred on this planet yet the creatures are seemingly long gone that Cameron wisely reminds the audience that this is a sequel to Alien. I experienced some pretty intense nightmares after seeing both Alien and Aliens, and it is the moments of quiet build up that earn such disruptive slumber rather than the predictable arrival of death.

"Game over, man! Game over!"

You're god damn right Hudson. I officially revoke my erroneously filed job application. It's probably best I leave the xeno-slaying to someone far braver than I.


5/5

Locke Review

Locke is a very enjoyable example of a film being minimalist, literally an entire picture taking place in one location following only one person throughout. That one person is a man named Ivan Locke, and Tom Hardy plays the role brilliantly with a totally measured and mature performance and the only way the film could work is if he nailed the role. Sure, it took some real ass talent to craft such a small film in a way that would result in anything compelling, and for that credit is certainly due to writer and director Steven Knight, but really this is Hardy's film and even Knight must know that. For just over 80 minutes we watch Ivan Locke talk on the phone while driving, and it was a surprisingly riveting experience.

These phone conversations aren't merely random chats between old friends, they are incoming calls that represent chaos and the destruction of what was clearly a very blessed life. That is an area that this film was a massive success for me, its ability to develop a character on the fly without technically telling us any specifics about his past. We are able to gather the information ourselves that Ivan Locke is at risk of losing a wonderful wife and family dynamic and a career that carries massive importance in his life, and out of place flashbacks are not necessarily to make us care about his unfortunate circumstances. Knight wants us to follow the character here in this moment in his life, and he does so with confidence in his vision that ultimately makes it successful.

It is fascinating to watch a man deal with the consequences of his actions not just through dialogue with those he hurt but also with the turmoil churning through his own mind. Locke is a hard film to sell on someone who has never heard of it before, as the premise of a guy driving and talking doesn't exactly get a rise out of people, but hopefully both the Hardy performance and the fact that such a small character study among a sea of bloated blockbusters can demonstrate restraint and perfect pacing will get some people curious.


4/5

Before Midnight Review

I feel weird referring to Before Midnight as the final film of the amazing love story because no one has actually ruled out the possibility of returning to do it again in 2022, when the characters will be 50 years old. If this does indeed conclude the wonderful romance of Jesse and Celine, at least they went out on top. All three films are beautiful, inspired works, but Before Midnight is just a step ahead of the others, the perfect conclusion to a trilogy of masterpieces.

The film falls into a bit darker territory than the first two, but that is to be expected. Before Sunrise and Before Sunset were about falling head over heels in love at a young age, and then reconnecting after years apart, both of which are scenarios that are typically associated with happy thoughts. Before Midnight is our first glimpse at these characters experiencing a true relationship, now nine years actually together and raising twin daughters while Jesse deals with the pain that comes from being away from his son from his previous marriage. These are real problems people face and the love shared between our two leads has never felt more believable because let's be honest, life isn't perfect. Sure, it may be easier to watch two people smile and kiss and say absolutely the greatest thing at the greatest time, but I prefer the realism of how raw and painful love can be.

The entire film has the similar sublime flow of the first two, except something about the setting of the outdoor sequences makes them feel even more vibrant and alive this time around. The real shining moment of Before Midnight is ironically when it is at its darkest and most heartbreaking, the sequence that takes place in their hotel room. There is an energy and a passion during that scene that is so believable that it literally makes me uncomfortable, like I am watching something I shouldn't. The dialogue is so on point and the emotion seeps out of every single second we sit there and continue to watch something that was once so beautiful slowly unravel.

The amazing thing Linklater achieves though is that from this ugly feeling of sadness that felt like a punch to the gut, he manages to charm us all over again with a final scene that is impossible not to extract a smile. While some of the film may be hard to watch, when the camera drifts back and we live that final frame, I know I am left wanting more. As long as this level of quality and care went into making these films, I never want to completely say goodbye.


5/5

Before Sunset Review

Watching the Linklater trilogy in any fashion is incredible, but as a person who showed up late to the party and only screened these films for the first time last year, I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to actually follow Jesse and Celine through the years. Comparing it to other films with large gaps in time between releases doesn't quite work because rarely do the actual characters age on screen at the same rate as you do, and rarely do they feel as authentic and human. I would imagine if you started this journey with them in 1995, waiting nine years to see where their story would go next, these beautiful films would feel almost like documentaries about love and life. What was probably even more exciting is the fact that I doubt anyone knew for certain the story would even continue. I can't imagine waiting nearly a decade wondering if Jesse and Celine ever did meet up again six months in the future, and not having the answers sounds like agony.

I am jealous of this agony though. I am jealous of anyone who felt the euphoria of learning that a sequel would be made and the quintessential love story would continue. I am jealous of walking into the cinema with eager excitement, waiting for the passionate chemistry between Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy to reignite before their eyes. I saw the trailer for Before Midnight before I ever even got to witness the way their love blossomed in Vienna over the course of one night, so I entered this wondrous cinematic trip already knowing that 18 years later they would be together in some regard. Regardless these are magical works, one of my all time favorite trilogies, but I have to wonder how much deeper my love for them could have been.

Perhaps that isn't the correct way to think about it though. Perhaps I saw these films at exactly the right time in my life, a time when I was married but still remember what it was like to first fall in love. A time when I still recall what it was like to fight for that relationship through the tougher times because I knew for a fact it was exactly what I wanted. A time when I already have a beautiful daughter and have had a chance to both accept and embrace the fact that everything changes after you experience the gift of bringing life into the world. A perfect balance of every possible emotion portrayed throughout these films, and their connection easily found a way to penetrate my soul.

Before Sunset has a flow to it that is intoxicating, as if I am soaking up every word they way seem to bask in the glow of the setting sun. The pacing is perfect to deliver absolutely everything you could ask for to understand the progression of these characters and their relationship. The dialogue is fresh and vibrant with a realistic tone to it, like they have actually be separated for so long and yet share a special bond that allows them to seemingly pick up right where they left off. Such intelligent, warm filmmaking, and Linklater knows exactly the right note to end the film, a moment that is sure to put a smile on your face yet also answer nothing about where Jesse and Celine will be in their lives if and when we were to ever see them again.

Pure magic.

5/5

Ten Best Films of 2014 Thus Far

I already covered the not so good side of the 2014 film scene as we reach the midway point of the year. Now it is time for the best I have encountered thus far, films I strongly suggest you try to see and experience for yourself if you have not already done so.

Starting with the 10th best film of the year and descending up into cinematic heaven.

#10 - Godzilla
Directed by: Gareth Edwards
Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Bryan Cranston, Ken Watanabe

Godzilla features some flat performances and clunky dialogue. Frankly, I couldn't really give a shit about any human being on the screen and their fate was meaningless to me. So why is it on my best of list? Everything else.

Gareth Edwards previously created a very low budget film called Monsters, one that I love even more than Godzilla, and I can say having seen two of his works now that the man has an incredible amount of talent. The slow burn style was executed perfectly here, as we keep waiting and waiting for Godzilla to really show up in a grand way but that is a compliment, not a complaint. I bought in and was giddy with anticipation, and everything was paid off wonderfully.

Another star of the show who will not receive nearly enough credit for his masterful work on Godzilla is the composer, Alexandre Desplat. His score is truly haunting and powerful stuff that sets a spine tingling tone throughout.

#9 - X-Men: Days of Future Past

Directed by: Bryan Singer

Starring: Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Hugh Jackman, and many others

I will admit I was extremely pessimistic about the prospects of X-Men: Days of Future Past when I first heard it was announced the massive cast of characters it would include. The film screamed of being bloated for the sake of trying to feel epic and I felt there was no way they could make such a thing without it feeling messy. I was wrong.

Bryan Singer's return to the mutant world is a triumph and in the most unexpected ways. Despite the ambitious project Singer clearly shows his appreciation for patient storytelling, allowing rich and well conceived dialogue to carry the pacing of the film rather than just assaulting the audience with action. Plus, while many familiar faces are seen throughout, the right people are showcased and allowed to shine. 

Now I can't wait for X-Men: Apocalypse in two years.

#8 - The Fault in Our Stars

Directed by: Josh Boone

Starring: Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort

Am I, a 30 year old man, the expected target audience for a film like The Fault in Our Stars? Absolutely not. Am I, a 30 year old man, ashamed that I wept like a child who was told they couldn't get their favorite toy during a decent portion of the film? Absolutely not.

I enjoyed the book, but I had my doubts it would translate well to the screen without being overly sappy and I was also concerned how the dialogue would avoid sounding phony when actually coming from peoples mouths in motion. It's one thing to read cleverly written wit supposedly uttered by a 16 year old, it is a whole other thing to believe it when it is actually heard. Much to my surprise, everything worked about the film. The chemistry felt real, the heartbreak made me hurt, and the relationships throughout the film felt genuine, as I especially connected to the horrible concept of a parent having to face losing their child.

The real game changer here is Shailene Woodley, giving an absolutely incredible performance. I knew she had talent from The Descendants and The Spectacular Now, but what she achieved her was so special it was eye opening to the type of career she should have going forward. Woodley broke my heart in the theater that day, but in a way that felt right as strange as that sounds. I look forward to letting her break it again and again.

#7 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Directed by: Anthony and Joe Russo

Starring: Chris Evans, Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson, Anthony Mackie, Sebastian Stan

I went to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier twice in theaters over the course of about 15 hours. Now, to be fair, this was planned in advance before I even saw it, so it is necessarily an indication of my enjoyment level, but holy shit after the first time was I excited to come back the next day. When Marvel announced that Anthony and Joe Russo, the minds behind the remarkably forgettable comedy You, Me and Dupree, would be at the helm of the Captain America sequel, I was floored with disappointment. The first Captain America was my favorite of the Phase One films (not including The Avengers), and I couldn't believe they would hand over the reigns to such unproven filmmakers. Plus, here comes that wacky comedy that nearly derailed Iron Man 3 and Thor 2, right?

Holy shit was I proven wrong. Whatever lead to the hiring of the Russo brothers proves that the minds at Marvel know exactly what they are doing and I should think twice before second guessing them again. The Winter Soldier proved to be a serious, kick ass spy thriller that just so happened to have a superhero in it rather than a superhero film, and I loved every second of it. In fact, I will take it a step farther: I believe this is the finest film Marvel Studios has ever produced, including The Avengers.

#6 - Enemy

Directed by: Denis Villeneuve

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal

Prior to last year, I had no idea who Denis Villeneuve was but the buzz around his 2013 film Prisoners was rather intense, and from the small clips I had seen it seemed to have the dark atmosphere I would want to bathe in. That film proved to be a creepy, intense, ominous thriller that I immediately fell in love with, so an infatuation with the director was born and I knew I had to see everything he has done.

Some quick research of his filmography lead me to the film Enemy, one that wouldn't be released until early 2014 despite actually being filmed prior to Prisoners. One look at the trailer combined with the buzz from some festival reactions, specifically regarding the ending, and I knew this was a work to get excited about. Enemy absolutely lived up to the hype.

Challenging, confounding, perplexing, bizarre, surreal. Pick a word to describe some of the imagery found during the film, they all apply and I soaked it all up. The concept alone should be enough to put this on your radar, the idea of a man watching a film and seeing his exact double in the background of one of the frames, and the results of this idea are haunting. Oh, and that ending? What an amazing ending. It happens so fast and I literally said "What the fuck?!?!" aloud when the frame quickly disappeared. I still can't stop thinking about it.

#5 - The LEGO Movie

Directed by: Phil Lord and Chris Miller

Starring: Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Morgan Freeman, Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, Liam Neeson

I am not going to say "Everything is awesome!" in my little write up here. Every single damn person in the world quotes it in their reviews, and I won't do it. Although I guess I technically already did by bringing it up in the first place. Fuck.

The balls to the walls surprise of 2014 thus far, The LEGO Movie can easily be disregarded and labeled as "silly" or a "kids movie" simply because it features toys, and that would be a shame. Did we not learn a lesson from the Toy Story films, one of the greatest trilogies of all time? Lord and Miller created very enjoyable and entertaining films with Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and 21 Jump Street, but when I saw The LEGO Movie I recognized for the first time that they were totally brilliant. That isn't hyperbole, brilliant is the appropriate word choice.

It is so difficult to make a film that appeals to absolutely ANYONE who is willing to let it into their hearts, but that is exactly what The LEGO Movie is. The humor is on a whole new level of clever and it results in a constant stream of laughter throughout, and then just when you think you have the whole thing figured out it hits you with a third act surprise that will bring tears to your eyes, a wonderful message about letting kids explore their imaginations and bringing their creativity to life. A genius film, yet amazingly not the top work of animation on the list.

#4 - The Grand Budapest Hotel

Directed by: Wes Anderson

Starring: Ralph Fiennes, F. Murray Abraham, Adrien Brody, Willen Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Mathieu Amalric

I have been a huge fan of Wes Anderson for a long, long time, but I always felt his films were just a note short of being perfect. Even my favorite of his works, Rushmore, just couldn't quite get to that level in my mind, and I wondered if Anderson would be an auteur with a constant stream of great films but never reaching the level of a masterpiece. The Grand Budapest Hotel is the film I was looking for.

A perfect combination of all the best features of his other films, this has the aesthetic, the charm, the humor, the performances, and the pacing, all of which won me over and brought the biggest smile to my face. While watching it at the cinema I kept wishing I could somehow pause the film without others getting upset so I could really study the level of care and detail that went into every frame. The Grand Budapest Hotel is a joyous work and without a doubt the finest of the amazing career of Wes Anderson.

#3 - The Raid 2

Directed by: Gareth Evans

Starring: Iko Uwais

Typically I am not really into action films. If it takes place within a well told story and it is filmed well, absolutely count me in, but when something is labeled as essentially just being straight up action and little else, more often than not I will find myself bored halfway through and counting the minutes until it would be over. This would explain why I initially avoided the film The Raid from a few years ago, as I caught wind of the fact that it was almost literally entirely action with hardly any story at all to go along with it. 

I kept reading reactions to it and noticed it was actually well received by critics, so I considered the possibility that the first film had to feature something special that went above and beyond people merely kicking and punching and shooting each other, so I decided to take a look. Once I did, I couldn't look away. Sure, it was action, but unlike anything I had ever seen before and it was intoxicating and hypnotic. When it was over, I couldn't imagine how any character in the film would still be standing if the events were to have been fact instead of fiction, because I was exhausted just from watching it.

Thus we now have The Raid 2 in 2014, and it is a magnificent sequel that takes the first film and elevates it to incredible new heights. A completely different tone and feel to this film when compared to the original, The Raid 2 is an hour longer and is far more story based, as if it was the love child of The Raid and The Godfather. The final hour or so is when the action really kicks into gear and at that point I was craving it, and my goodness did it deliver.

The opening shot of the film is of this wide open, calm field of grass blowing in the wind, a massive overhead shot that feels so serene, yet it is jarring when compared closely to the first Raid film. I became so used to the claustrophobic confines of rooms and hallways that I have to believe Evans wanted to start the sequel this way intentionally to send a message, almost like he was saying this would be a bigger film and he had more room to play with. Just don't expect the quiet to stick around for long.

#2 - How to Train Your Dragon 2

Directed by: Dean DeBlois 

Starring: Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, Cate Blanchett, Craig Ferguson

The first How to Train Your Dragon absolutely stunned me, mainly because I consider Dreamworks Animation to be on a much lower level than Disney or Pixar when it comes to producing quality films. It was a work of incredible warmth, amazing character and relationship development, jaw-dropping animation and an impressive understanding of the importance of storytelling, and after multiple viewings it was elevated to one of my all time favorite animated films. I didn't believe they could ever release a sequel that would be even close to that level of excellence again, but they actually managed to surpass it in my eyes.

DeBlois admits being inspired by the Empire Strikes Back when coming up with the concept of a sequel and you can tell immediately, as he recognizes that the world was already built and the characters were already fleshed out the first time around. Now he can expand on it and send it to new, impressive heights, and the choice to move the story forward five years made it feel like the fans of the first film aged right there at a similar pace as the characters, allowing the tone to get a bit darker as well which reminded me of the progression of the Harry Potter franchise.

Exciting, bold, and emotionally resonant, How to Train Your Dragon 2 was a top notch sequel and proof that Dreamworks has at least a couple people on their team that know how to make a real, beautiful film rather than simply a series of pop culture gags and colorful characters that kids will eat up while the adults roll their eyes. This was sitting comfortably at the top of my 2014 list and I thought it would be there for a while, but then I saw...

#1 - Under the Skin

Directed by: Jonathan Glazer

Starring: Scarlett Johansson

The one thing I love most with cinema is when I feel truly challenged, when I have to work at piecing together a puzzle rather than just have the pieces assembled for me. A film like Under the Skin practically defines this, and I didn't even realize how much I loved it until it was over and I gave myself 24 hours to let it soak in. It is a science fiction film, but is it really? Behind all the surreal imagery and bizarre encounters, I believe there is a layered and nuanced reason for all of it that delves into gender issues, female insecurities and the way our society view women and inappropriately hold them to some sort of body image standard. 

Completely eerie and spellbinding, and even as my mind is still racing trying to process everything that happens during Under the Skin, I still know for a fact that I have so much more I can absorb from it when I revisit it time and time again. For some this film might come off as nonsense, pretentious garbage with no real cohesive narrative or message, but I couldn't disagree more. Under the Skin is the finest and most important cinema I have seen so far in 2014.

So there it is, my ten favorite films I have seen thus far this year. It will be very interesting to see where these stack up when the end of the calendar rolls around, as we are still months away from Oscar season when the big hitters are finally released. I would imagine a few of these titles will be bumped off for things like Boyhood, Gone Girl and Interstellar, but you never know. Perhaps Under the Skin will hold onto the top spot permanently, but in a year with both Fincher and Nolan releases I can't help but expect big things ahead. 

Ten Worst Films of 2014 Thus Far

2014 is half over, and while the first half of the year is not typically known for being the strongest portion of the cinematic calendar, some surprisingly brilliant gems have been screened already, stuff that will probably find its way on my official best of list six months from now...but we will get to those later.

First I would like to address the ten worst films I have seen released thus far in 2014, starting with the best of the worst and descending down into hell.

#10 - Bad Words
Directed by: Jason Bateman
Starring: Jason Bateman

The shame of Bad Words is that it had potential to be a funny yet poignant pretty good time at the movies, but what was actually crafted was a film that defines mediocre. Jason Bateman plays Guy Trilby, a 40 year old man who has found a loophole in the rules of spelling bees meant for children that allows him to compete. He ends up befriending/feuding with a small boy and he spends a large portion of the film saying mean and crude shit to children and their parents, which was already done in a far more clever and superior film titled Bad Santa. The reason Bad Words failed where that film succeeded comes down to the execution of the material. Every attempt to be mean and offensive in this film felt forced and unnecessary, causing me to cringe instead of laugh. Bad Words finally starts to shine near the end when it reveals it actually has a heart, but at that point it is too little too late.

#9 - The Monuments Men

Directed by: George Clooney

Starring: Friggin' everyone

On paper The Monuments Men was a sure fire Oscar contender, originally scheduled for release later last year right in the heart of awards season. Directed by George Clooney and featuring an all star ensemble cast, combined with the story revolving around an attempt to save precious art work during World War II, it was a can't miss....and then suddenly they announced the release of the film was delayed until February of 2014, shocking absolutely everyone. Simply put, any time a release is delayed from Oscar season to the cinematic dead zone of late January/February, it is pretty much a guarantee the work will end up disappointing, and this proved to be true with The Monuments Men. 

The real problem with the film? It is just so damn bland. Honestly, it is difficult for me to even elaborate with too much depth because I barely remember what happens during it, and I saw it only 4 months ago. Years from now I will turn on a cable network and see The Monuments Men on late at night, and after about three minutes of watching I will remember it as "that movie about the art"...and then I will change the channel.

#8 - Devil's Knot

Directed by: Atom Egoyan

Starring: Colin Firth, Reese Witherspoon

If you are like me and have closely followed the story of the West Memphis Three for years, you will be bored out of your mind during the film Devil's Knot. If you are not like me and knowing nothing about the case prior to your screening, you will still likely be bored out of your mind during the film Devil's Knot. Atom Egoyan has previously crafted some acclaimed work, which made it all the more shocking when I quickly noticed that the aesthetic of the film felt like something that would debut on the Lifetime channel, not in theaters. What is a heartbreaking and fascinating story about the murder of three little boys and the three teenagers that are erroneously charged with the crime is turned into a forgettable film revolving around a lawyer that no one gives a shit about and the mother of one of the victims. 

If you can tell me why I would care that Ron Lax is getting divorced, I will personally send you a thank you card. Go ahead, explain to me the relevance of not one but two moments included in the film that show he is getting divorced. Does it somehow make him care about dead kids on a deeper level? Is it supposed to show his dedication to his job? Whether or not it is based in fact is irrelevant, perhaps he was actually getting divorced at the time. So what? In what way is the inclusion of this information important? Devil's Knot was already doomed when it attempted to tell such a massive in scope story that has now spanned decades over the course of less than two hours. The fact that any time at all was devoted to a lawyers divorce is baffling.

Do yourself a favor and watch the trilogy of Paradise Lost documentaries instead. Incredibly informative and well made, and every single moment of Devil's Knot that matters is included.

#7 - Rio 2

Directed by: Carlos Saldanha

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway

The first Rio was actually kinda cute. The sequel was a mess, all over the place with a shockingly complicated narrative for a children's film. Too many characters doing too many different things, and none of it was very impressive.

#6 - Pompeii 

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: the guy from Game of Thrones.

The love child of Titanic and Gladiator, except 90 minutes long and totally awful. A story about a legendary volcanic eruption and yet we are subjected to countless sword fights for the first 60 minutes, and then 30 minutes of chaos and magma and a love story. 

The good news for Pompeii is that the only aspect I will actually remember is just how stunningly dreadful Kiefer Sutherland is in the film. His performance is embarrassing. Everyone else is off the hook.

#5 - I, Frankenstein

Directed by: too lazy to even look it up

Starring: Harvey Dent

I don't even know how to put it into words. I will give it some credit, I think the film was very self aware and embraced its awfulness rather than try to pretend it was anything of actual value. That notion is the only reason I have four films listed as worse thus far in 2014. Yep, four films are worse than I, Frankenstein. Strap yourself in for a shit show.

#4 - 3 Days to Kill

Directed by: McG

Starring: Kevin Costner

Kevin Costner has cancer, and he is gonna die. Except wait, maybe he isn't? See, Amber Heard wants him to do a mission for her and kill some dudes, and if he does, she will cure his cancer. That's right, she just sort of has the cure in a giant needle, plus she is pretty, so you know, the total package. 

For a while during the film, I forgot about both his terminal illness and also the mission he is supposed to complete because we oddly shift gears to a story of Costner trying to reconnect with his daughter, and the chemistry he and her share is totally, comically non-existent. It is hard to watch, to be honest. The whole film is a strange, boring and laughable mess.

Oh, and the main bad guy he is trying to catch is called "The Albino" because he is an albino. It's really clever, riveting stuff.

#3 - Need for Speed

Directed by: Scott Waugh

Starring: Jesse Pinkman

So a bunch of dickheads drive cars way too fast on normal roads and highways containing innocent pedestrians, nearly killing multiple people in the process, and I am supposed to somehow root for them? I am supposed to think they are cool?

Eventually one of them dies, which was unfortunate because all of them didn't die. One was a good start, but with the others the film continues on, which is a shame. This moment, where the idiot killed himself driving like a fool, is supposed to be emotional and heartbreaking, but it isn't. He probably should have followed the rules of the road and he would still be alive.

After Jesse Pinkman serves his two year prison sentence which lasts for about two minutes of screen time, only to have him walk out like nothing ever happened which seems to totally ignore the consequences of being part of the reason his friend is now dead, he drives cars really fast again and impresses a girl in the process. 

I really wish I could tell you something good about Need for Speed, but I can't. The picture above says it all. It is a total wreck.

#2 - The Legend of Hercules

Directed by: Renny Harlin (?)

Starring: Kellan Lutz

The Legend of Hercules is such a horrendous film that I actually mildly enjoyed watching it. If you view it as a comedy, you can extract something fun from it, but if you attempt to take it seriously it will make your brain bleed. It's just so awful, but it isn't the worst...

#1 - A Million Ways to Die in the West

Directed by: Seth MacFarlane

Starring: Seth MacFarlane, a bunch of other people who should be ashamed of themselves

Horrifically, painfully unfunny. I smiled once in the hour and whatever I witnessed and I laughed zero times. I refused to finish the film because frankly, giving it any more of my time would be something I would always regret. I am totally fine with "offensive" humor as long as it is actually clever. Just kinda being racist isn't funny.

I officially hate the entire career of Seth MacFarlane now because of this insipid pile of shit. The first time I saw Ted, I thought it was a pretty funny movie, but you know what? Fuck that teddy bear and fuck Peter Griffin and whatever else this turd has done to make his millions. That is how awful A Million Ways to Die in the West is, it has completely invalidated his entire reason for being famous, and honestly, I doubt I will ever give him a chance to earn my respect back. It is almost impossible to make a worse comedy film than this.

Those are the ten worst films that have been released during the first half of 2014. Check back soon for my ten best!