"I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."
A few years ago I would have described myself as a passionate cinema lover and a devoted husband and father, but only one of those things was true. My entire life revolved around what I was intending to watch that evening, and as a result I didn't show my beautiful wife nor my wonderful daughter nearly enough love or attention and I actively spent my time and energy on my own interests, and those were watching and writing about films.
There is nothing wrong with being passionate for the arts, in fact I encourage anyone to embrace anything that moves you. There is nothing wrong with using time and energy towards self-interests and writing can be a cathartic and incredibly important means of self-expression. The problem lies in the moments when that passion and those interests become an addiction, and those moments become days and those days become weeks and those weeks become months and those months become years and that time when I wasn't with my family, when I wasn't adequately showing them my love and appreciation, it's gone and it's never coming back. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it back.
The past is the past and it cannot be changed, and to regret it is to waste more time. The present is now, and it's mine. The future is something I look forward to because my present is constantly dictating it, and my present is constantly full of love for what matters. My wife matters. My daughter matters. They matter more to me than the air I breathe or the beats of my heart, perhaps not in a literal sense but I can tell you with all honesty and sincerity that I don't actively consider nor express my gratitude for oxygen but on a daily basis I try to remind the two loves of my life that I owe them both my entire world.
Earlier this year my daughter expressed interest in watching the Grammys, something she had previously never so much as even mentioned passively so her palpable excitement came as a surprise. At some point during the show I heard her screaming from her room so I hurried in to check on her to make sure she was alright. Her rather audible reaction was one derived from positivity and attraction and fandom as the seven young men that comprise the Korean musical group BTS were on the screen, thus revealing her entire motivation for wanting to watch the award show in the first place. She just wanted to see the Bangtan boys on the screen.
I instantly supported her love for BTS but my initial reaction in regards to their music was mixed, mostly because I was closed off mentally from the idea of a man my age finding value in K-pop that seemed to have a target audience of teen girls. Nevertheless, my wife and I quickly embraced watching videos with her for literally hours on YouTube because we recognized the value or bonding together as a family and my time to be selfish had long since expired because I refuse to waste another minute. I already wasted so many that I can never get back. If I had to sit and watch BTS content day after day I would and I not only wouldn't complain, I would embrace it. I was excited about it. I know now that I am blessed to have the opportunity to love and be loved by the strongest, most insanely gorgeous woman alive and by a miracle of a daughter who is as kind and empathetic as she is beautiful and that's saying something because every room she enters is brighter solely due to her presence.
Whatever they want to do from this moment on, for the rest of my life, I will be there. Sign me the fuck up for literally anything as long as they are by my side. I'm able to recognize now as I reflect on a dark and rather empty time in my life that my decision making in those moments wasn't merely clouded by selfishness or apathy, although there was plenty of each soaked into everything I said or did. I know now that I was depressed, and I won't get into the private details of how I turned my life around but let's just say that I owe my wife everything. She saved me and thanks to her every single day feels like a gift, and every time I look at her I fall more and more in love.
A funny thing happened as I consumed seemingly endless hours of BTS music and content in general: I discovered that I enjoyed them on a deeper level than just the way they brought my family even closer. I discovered a depth to their songwriting thanks to their openness and honesty in regards to issues like their own mental health amongst other things and I connected with their goals and values and their desire to be inclusive with their art and their messages of love, whether it be love for one another or a love for oneself that is essential towards a healthy state of mind. I connected with their obvious appreciation for cinema, some of their influences worn not so much on their sleeves but broadcast with no intention of subtlety like in the video for their song "Fire" when a bicycle engulfed in flames passes by a static camera as the words Lost River are written in the background of the shot, a blatantly obvious reference to the divisive directorial debut from Ryan Gosling. Other influences are more vague and worthy of dissection like a multi-year effort to weave multiple videos together into one dark and dramatic storyline, one that certainly brings a film like Donnie Darko to mind in the end and I'm sure that's only scratching the surface of it.
When I saw that tickets were on sale for a new BTS documentary film I knew instantly that purchasing tickets was a must and my wife, daughter and even my mother and father-in law joined me at the theater to share yet another experience together, and sure enough Bring The Soul is an expertly edited, fun, insightful and moving film that follows the group behind the scenes of their tour as they struggle both physically and emotionally while never losing sight of how grateful they are for their success and the journey they are on together. The footage is raw and honest, at times painful, at times exhilarating, and always a delight to fans of the group and anyone with an open mind willing to potentially embrace something new.
I will never get that time from my past back but I refuse to be plagued by regret. Doing so would just waste more time, time that could be spent with the people I love most in this world, people whom I will be forever grateful that they never stopped loving me back. I choose to move forward focusing on who matters and what bonds us, to always remember that my present is always bound to and shaping my future. If that future includes seemingly endless hours with the amazing women in my life watching BTS, count me in. I hope they both know I love them more than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow. If I spend a lifetime making sure they know that and feel it too, then that's a life well lived.
3.5/5
The past is the past and it cannot be changed, and to regret it is to waste more time. The present is now, and it's mine. The future is something I look forward to because my present is constantly dictating it, and my present is constantly full of love for what matters. My wife matters. My daughter matters. They matter more to me than the air I breathe or the beats of my heart, perhaps not in a literal sense but I can tell you with all honesty and sincerity that I don't actively consider nor express my gratitude for oxygen but on a daily basis I try to remind the two loves of my life that I owe them both my entire world.
Earlier this year my daughter expressed interest in watching the Grammys, something she had previously never so much as even mentioned passively so her palpable excitement came as a surprise. At some point during the show I heard her screaming from her room so I hurried in to check on her to make sure she was alright. Her rather audible reaction was one derived from positivity and attraction and fandom as the seven young men that comprise the Korean musical group BTS were on the screen, thus revealing her entire motivation for wanting to watch the award show in the first place. She just wanted to see the Bangtan boys on the screen.
I instantly supported her love for BTS but my initial reaction in regards to their music was mixed, mostly because I was closed off mentally from the idea of a man my age finding value in K-pop that seemed to have a target audience of teen girls. Nevertheless, my wife and I quickly embraced watching videos with her for literally hours on YouTube because we recognized the value or bonding together as a family and my time to be selfish had long since expired because I refuse to waste another minute. I already wasted so many that I can never get back. If I had to sit and watch BTS content day after day I would and I not only wouldn't complain, I would embrace it. I was excited about it. I know now that I am blessed to have the opportunity to love and be loved by the strongest, most insanely gorgeous woman alive and by a miracle of a daughter who is as kind and empathetic as she is beautiful and that's saying something because every room she enters is brighter solely due to her presence.
Whatever they want to do from this moment on, for the rest of my life, I will be there. Sign me the fuck up for literally anything as long as they are by my side. I'm able to recognize now as I reflect on a dark and rather empty time in my life that my decision making in those moments wasn't merely clouded by selfishness or apathy, although there was plenty of each soaked into everything I said or did. I know now that I was depressed, and I won't get into the private details of how I turned my life around but let's just say that I owe my wife everything. She saved me and thanks to her every single day feels like a gift, and every time I look at her I fall more and more in love.
A funny thing happened as I consumed seemingly endless hours of BTS music and content in general: I discovered that I enjoyed them on a deeper level than just the way they brought my family even closer. I discovered a depth to their songwriting thanks to their openness and honesty in regards to issues like their own mental health amongst other things and I connected with their goals and values and their desire to be inclusive with their art and their messages of love, whether it be love for one another or a love for oneself that is essential towards a healthy state of mind. I connected with their obvious appreciation for cinema, some of their influences worn not so much on their sleeves but broadcast with no intention of subtlety like in the video for their song "Fire" when a bicycle engulfed in flames passes by a static camera as the words Lost River are written in the background of the shot, a blatantly obvious reference to the divisive directorial debut from Ryan Gosling. Other influences are more vague and worthy of dissection like a multi-year effort to weave multiple videos together into one dark and dramatic storyline, one that certainly brings a film like Donnie Darko to mind in the end and I'm sure that's only scratching the surface of it.
When I saw that tickets were on sale for a new BTS documentary film I knew instantly that purchasing tickets was a must and my wife, daughter and even my mother and father-in law joined me at the theater to share yet another experience together, and sure enough Bring The Soul is an expertly edited, fun, insightful and moving film that follows the group behind the scenes of their tour as they struggle both physically and emotionally while never losing sight of how grateful they are for their success and the journey they are on together. The footage is raw and honest, at times painful, at times exhilarating, and always a delight to fans of the group and anyone with an open mind willing to potentially embrace something new.
I will never get that time from my past back but I refuse to be plagued by regret. Doing so would just waste more time, time that could be spent with the people I love most in this world, people whom I will be forever grateful that they never stopped loving me back. I choose to move forward focusing on who matters and what bonds us, to always remember that my present is always bound to and shaping my future. If that future includes seemingly endless hours with the amazing women in my life watching BTS, count me in. I hope they both know I love them more than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow. If I spend a lifetime making sure they know that and feel it too, then that's a life well lived.
3.5/5
