The Loft Review

Imagine The Hangover and the second season of True Detective became intimate together. I'm not entirely sure how anyone would be able to picture a feature film and an HBO series fuck, as it is obviously impossible, but go with it for a second and hear me out. You have the brotastic buddies all hanging out in some nice place banging chicks, only instead of a humorous tone it takes on a brooding, cold and unlikable vibe that makes me want to cut myself and listen to Papa Roach albums on repeat. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Loft. 

Starring Dredd, Prison Break, Cyclops, Cam from Modern Family and Matthias Schoenaerts, The Loft tells the story of a group of shameful men who are totes buddies and share a loft together in order to bring women who aren't their wives there so they can engage in secretive intercourse. The dialogue is awful, the chemistry between the characters is non-existent, the storytelling is messy and I never once gave a shit about what did or did not happen, who did or did not do it and why. It's just this glossy turd of a film that tries to be sexy and mysterious and provocative and edgy, but simply writing Latin in blood next to a naked dead women isn't enough to pull me in. The rest of the picture has to actually be, you know...good.

The screenplay really did a fantastic job of handling female characters too. Really empowering and interesting women all over the screen. What exactly did the casting call say? Must be willing to play vapid, meaningless creatures that are in the frame merely to follow strange men back to their weird group sex loft and spread their legs for their pleasure? Can't wait to show a film like The Loft to my daughter, show her that the world is her oyster. Inspiring.

I absolutely love dark and ominous murder mystery stories. They get my blood flowing in ways that might be deemed unsettling to many. Despite this, I was about as flaccid and unmoved while watching The Loft then I have been in quite some time during any movie. By the time they got to the big "shocking" reveal I was numb to what was going on and I will be totally honest, I was barely paying attention.

1/5